Monday, January 30, 2012

Scusami se sono felice...


Here I am, January 28th, 2012. Laid down on kite surf beach in Dubai. Perfect weather. Not too cold, not too hot, a little windy and a flat calm turquoise immense sea a few steps from me. Thomas is taking a nap next to me, his hand keeps a contact with me touching my leg gently. I look at him and I feel complete. He's so close to me that I can still smell what remains of the perfume he wore last night. It's dissolving, I can tell, but I can still perceive it, delicate, mixed to the natural fragrance of his body. A body that I know well and love in all its perfections and imperfections. We are now "man and wife" and it feels good, but it didn't come easily. 6 years together, learning how to be together, how to understand and compensate each other. We've been married 6 months now and you might think there is nothing extraordinary in the enthusiasm I express here. It may be true, but I still believe it's worth putting it down in words. Words that will somehow remain as the years go by.
I feel the obligation to etch these thoughts, since I've learned that everything can easily be forgotten and, even worst, be replaced by intolerance and hatred.
I'm thinking about my parents.
I cannot distinguish their 30 year- marriage to the idea that what brought them together, at first, was founded on love, passion, enthusiasm and mutual trust. How did they forget about this? How can two people grow apart so much and become strangers...become "Somebody that I used to know"?




If I think about the "good" I want to incise in my memory, it might seem weird, but I look at our bathroom as the mysterious symbol of the intimacy existing between Thomas and I as a couple. Yes, I think the bathroom is the room of a house that better reflects a couple's dynamic.
I look at our matching electric toothbrushes. They have a story behind that we, only, know. And again, I can't help but comparing, thinking of my family house in Florence where, many years ago, even my mom and dad used to share an electric toothbrush. A last generation one, maybe brought from my dad from one of his business trips abroad. I still can see it. It was a kit with 5 different toothbrush pics...one for each of us. A family kit and although it was getting obsolete, I was attached to it. Weren't they?
I look at everything Thomas and I have and I feel the instinct to protect it. Each photo we took together, each piece of furniture we bought, music we've taught each other or book we've read... is an important component of the puzzle of our life together. How can one give up on all this? I don't know and maybe I cannot even understand certain dynamics right now. I'm sure my parents had good reasons to take different paths and I'm not judging them. I'm just saying that it takes so much work and effort to build a life together that one should defend it against everything. Miscommunication and misunderstandings... at one point my mom felt she was the only one trying to save the relationship, while my dad constantly felt under accusation with a wife too often harsh on him. They stopped talking and they slowly started to blame each other for different reasons. That was the moment when the irreversible damage was done. And it's from there that I want to learn. That I want to learn how important is to remember. Are we destined to follow our parents path? Definitely not. But we must learn from it. We can recognize what life is about to serve us and react in a constructive way.
Now I feel outrageously happy and I want to imprint it and treasure it in my memory. Just for me, in case harder times will come...

So... forgive me if I'm happy, I hope you can cope with this mawkish post, but I could not avoid writing it.

5 comments:

Camilla said...

Bebè ti leggo e vorrei essere con te e parlare di un sacco di cose. I miei genitori sono ancora insieme e anche io li osservo spesso per carpire i segreti...hai ragione sai: ci vuole lavoro per stare insieme e imparare a stare insieme, però ci vuole anche la sensibilità per riconoscere i momenti di felicità pura (e tu ce l'hai). Per quanto mi riguarda aiuta anche un pò non prendersi sul serio e fare i "grulli". Un abbraccio forte
Cami

emilygray said...

You're so right lady. As I read this post, I was nodding my head to everything you have to say. How important it is to cherish what you have with someone and to be able to remember that happy feeling when things get rough. They inevitably will, and when that happens I agree with you that you have to do your best to protect and conserve a life built together. My parents divorced for good reason when I was young.... I think I am extra careful now. Maybe too careful....

Beba said...

As usually, I start to read and, after few lines, I have to stop before starting to cry here in office. I'll come back later from home! Love

Gaijin Bebe' said...

@Cami: Sarebbe bello davvero poter parlare un po', a distanza di tanti anni, ora che siamo...donne.
Hai proprio ragione, divertirsi insieme e' chiave. Se si smette di ridere insieme finisce anche tutto il resto! Oddio, che tristezza, non ci posso pensare. Ti immagini stare con un musone tutto serioso???AIUTOOOO!!!! Bacino Cami :)

Gaijin Bebe' said...

@Emily: You're right. It's hard to trust others when you've beed disappointed by the biggest loves of your life (your mom and dad)...but we must at least learn from them. My parents' divorce changed me so much, in a weird way... Instead of being extra careful, I wanted to prove myself that I could write a different story for my future. I want to make good use of their mistakes and try my best to avoid repeating them. :) See you on Friday at the party dear Em and thank you for your comment...it's nice to know someone else feels the way I do. :)